License To Speak

What to do in an elevator

27 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment

by Charlie in jokes, usual sarcasm, whatnot

I hate elevators. I hate them when there are a lot of people inside. I hate it when I’m alone in it. I hate it the most when there are two people in it—you, and someone else you barely know but whom you have to keep nodding and smiling at whenever your eyes meet, while looking at the freakin’ mirrors all around you!

Elevators in the Enterprise Center are practically made of mirrors. So whatever you do to avoid the other person’s eyes, you’ll see the person reflected in the mirror. And when you do see the other person, it’s absurd to NOT give a little smile, even though you’ve smiled at each other a thousand times since you both got in.

When I’m alone in the elevator, I check my phone first if it has a signal, just in case all hell breaks loose suddenly and somehow and I get stuck inside it and nobody notices. I know, I have a crazy-ass imagination mixed with a lot of negativity (If only I can make some money out of this—oh wait, I already am).

And in an elevator full of people, you have to stand with almost cheek to cheek for a full minute, someone breathing down your neck, you breathing down on someone else’s neck—UGH! The worst thing that could happen is to have colds and to feel that you absolutely have to sneeze. Kill me, JUST kill me instead of making me want to sneeze in an elevator full of smartly dressed people. It’s nothing if you’re not going to see them again, which of course is not the case you unlucky piece of crap—and you not only see them in the elevator. You see them on the same floor.

You must think this has already happened to me. No it hasn’t, but if it has, I’d gladly use the emergency stairs every day, sir.

Earlier as I was doing the forums, I read a joke in the Humor section entitled “what to do in an elevator”. It somehow reminded me of the Pinoy version that circulates the texting community “what to do when you’re bored”.

So here’s the list. Numbers 9 and 10 are my favorite, probably because I can imagine I’m inclined to do those two the most. Or not. Maybe in another life? Anyway, here’s the list. For fellow normal people who also hate elevators and who are totally NOT unreasonable, hypothetical high five!

1.) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

4.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6.) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8.) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9.) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”

10.) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space!”