This is madness, I tell you

We all have our crazy side. The frequency of it surfacing up is what differs us from one another. And I’m afraid that if I read J.D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey again, my weirdness would surface up permanently. It just has that effect on me. It fires up everything inside me that I’ve always tried to keep level. Nonetheless, I love the book to pieces. It’s just that sometimes we have to choose to be sane, not just for our sake, but for the sake of the people we love.

And that’s what I’m currently trying to do; stopping myself from being plunged into my crazy side, taking the high road and just keeping steady.

Emotional vomit

There was a quiet desolation in the air today. It was a humid Monday morning and amidst the start-of-week hustle of people wanting to go to work early, here he was trying to spend every ounce of energy he had left to drag himself out of bed. It was loud outside. Moms were shouting at kids to move faster and get into their school bus, street vendors shouting their merchandises with such gaiety that it’s almost depressing. It was loud all around, but his unspoken denial at the heartbreaking reality was most deafening. He did not say anything, yet his heart almost burst from a quiet dispute it was having with his mind.

Salamat.PH

I haven’t really featured another site in my blog, but I think Salamat.ph is worth mentioning here. I’m not really a fan of online group buying—not even online shopping—because for me there is just too much hassle to do, and you know there’s always a catch with all the deals they’re saying. Surprisingly, and I mean surprising like a punch in the gut, Salamat.ph doesn’t have a catch.

It’s simple enough to figure out actually. You register for an account in their site, then just pick from their deals available. You can either print the coupon, or claim it in their office. No other prerequisites needed other than you need an account to get the freebies. It’s a no-brainer.

I don’t know about you, but it feels like Christmas came early this year. They have already given out Krispy Kreme and Reyes Barbecue GCs, and now they’re giving P600 worth of coupon for a 1-hour massage in Shui Hilot Spa for only P150. I don’t even need to point out how awesome that is.

So if ever you want a freebie to complete your day, just visit Salamat.ph.

J.D. Salinger: 1919-2010

Most of the time, I don’t really have strong feelings towards things or views. Like I don’t really have one favorite food or color or piece of clothing. I have a new favorite every month depending on my mood.

There are only a few things that I consider to be really my favorite and for which I’m very passionate about. Those include the music of Incubus, the TV show Friends, and J.D. Salinger’s books.

My love for these have never waned, and will never do.

I remember I met J.D. Salinger and Holden Caulfield back in high school, when I was 14. Like any other teenager, I was full of angst about everything and everyone around me, thinking that life was unfair and it especially treated teenagers like me unjustly.

I was keeping a journal at that time, and I remember that while I was reading the book, I would always say something about it in my journal, like what a terrible liar Holden was, or how I could relate to him and his dislike for the movies.

After reading the book, writing a script about it, and doing a (high school production) movie about it, I was officially in love with Holden and Phoebe and J.D. Salinger himself. And I vowed to get all his other three books.

Like what I said when I did a rather shady review of Franny and Zooey in my other blog, what I love the most about Salinger is his ability to state different forms of truth as bluntly and as truthfully as he could.

I haven’t really read a lot of books, but the ones I did read don’t really compare to his style of writing, and so no other author has really made that big an impact to me.

I must say, although he was 91 when he died, J.D. Salinger’s death shocked me a little. Like I said to Ann, you can’t really prepare for when someone dies, no matter how much you tell yourself that you’re ready for it.

Death is like a whole new dimension to us. All we ever know about pain and emptiness and loneliness now don’t really compare to how we’re going to feel when someone dies.

One of the people I admire the most just died.

What to do in an elevator

I hate elevators. I hate them when there are a lot of people inside. I hate it when I’m alone in it. I hate it the most when there are two people in it—you, and someone else you barely know but whom you have to keep nodding and smiling at whenever your eyes meet, while looking at the freakin’ mirrors all around you!

Elevators in the Enterprise Center are practically made of mirrors. So whatever you do to avoid the other person’s eyes, you’ll see the person reflected in the mirror. And when you do see the other person, it’s absurd to NOT give a little smile, even though you’ve smiled at each other a thousand times since you both got in.

When I’m alone in the elevator, I check my phone first if it has a signal, just in case all hell breaks loose suddenly and somehow and I get stuck inside it and nobody notices. I know, I have a crazy-ass imagination mixed with a lot of negativity (If only I can make some money out of this—oh wait, I already am).

And in an elevator full of people, you have to stand with almost cheek to cheek for a full minute, someone breathing down your neck, you breathing down on someone else’s neck—UGH! The worst thing that could happen is to have colds and to feel that you absolutely have to sneeze. Kill me, JUST kill me instead of making me want to sneeze in an elevator full of smartly dressed people. It’s nothing if you’re not going to see them again, which of course is not the case you unlucky piece of crap—and you not only see them in the elevator. You see them on the same floor.

You must think this has already happened to me. No it hasn’t, but if it has, I’d gladly use the emergency stairs every day, sir.

Earlier as I was doing the forums, I read a joke in the Humor section entitled “what to do in an elevator”. It somehow reminded me of the Pinoy version that circulates the texting community “what to do when you’re bored”.

So here’s the list. Numbers 9 and 10 are my favorite, probably because I can imagine I’m inclined to do those two the most. Or not. Maybe in another life? Anyway, here’s the list. For fellow normal people who also hate elevators and who are totally NOT unreasonable, hypothetical high five!

1.) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

4.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6.) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8.) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9.) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”

10.) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space!”

President Obama’s Inaugural Speech

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor — who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive… that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Fairy tales

Nung bata ako, naniniwala ako sa fairy tales. Masaya kasing nakakapanood ng mga nagkakatuluyan dahil sa true love. Yung tipong magkatitigan lang, sa simbahan agad ang diretso. O kaya nagkabanggaan lang, nagkangitian, tapos simbahan ulit ang diretso. Nung bata ako, akala ko lahat ng kwentong pag-ibig sa simbahan ang diretso. Hindi naman kasi ako nakakapanood ng mga masasaklap ang ending. Kaya nung bata ako, nangarap din akong makakilala na makakatuluyan ko sa simbahan.

Pagtungtong ko ng hayskul, natunaw parang bula lahat ng fairy tales na pinaniwalaan ko. Pero syempre, hindi ko sinabi kahit kanino na kahit kailan naniwala ako sa mga ganun. Nung panahong yun, alam ko na walang fairy tales, at lahat ng mga nagkakatuluyan hindi madali ang pinagdadaanan. Marami akong mga naging kaklase at kaibigan na OA kung mag-LQ, kaya nainis ako sa mga relasyon relasyon nung hayskul. Naisip ko, masyado pa akong bata para problemahin nang maigi kung bakit hindi ako tinawagan o kung bakit hindi ako sinabayan mag-recess. Mas poproblemahin ko pa kung paano intindihin yung standard deviation kesa dun, kasi alam kong mas importante yun.

Nung medyo tumanda ako, akala ko nagmature na ako at kaya ko nang bigyan ng pansin yung pakikipag-LQ kung kanino man. Akala ko ang tatak ng isang seryosong relasyon ay ang pag-aaway, pag-uusap tungkol dun, at pagbabati. Yun nga lang, hindi ko napansin na kapag madalas nangyayari ang ganun na tipong araw-araw, mukha na lang kayong tanga pareho. Parang naging kayo lang para mag-away.

Habang mas tumatanda, lalong nagiging negatibo ang pananaw ko sa pag-ibig. Mas napapaligiran ako ng mas maraming kwentong nauuwi sa wala. Mga akala kong ayos na pero di pala. Pero hindi pa naman ako nawawalan ng pag-asang nangyayari talaga ang fairy tale. Sa dami ba naman nun, imposibleng walang ganun sa totoong buhay.

Yun nga lang, huli ko na naisip na masyadong maraming tao sa mundo para pagkalooban ng happy ending. Baka sabi ng tadhana, ang baduy naman kung lahat ng tao makakakuha ng happy ending? Paano naman maaappreciate ng iba ang happy ending kung walang tragic ending?

Nung bata ako, naniniwala ako sa fairy tales. Ngayon, naniniwala parin ako, pero hindi na yata mangyayari sa akin. Siguro isa ako sa mga taong nakatadhana lang sa puro tragic ending para malaman ng iba kung gaano kasaya magkaroon ng happy ending.

Sunday Monday

I think it was the first time I went home at 3 in the morning for two consecutive days. And the first time that I drank for two consecutive days. The same drink. At the same place. All fun, by the way.

Last Sunday, Donna and Nang were talking about something serious that needed to be talked about. I had little idea about how serious it was until Nang suddenly proposed we sat down and have a drink in Pier One where she would tell all about it. Her shift was from 3-10:30 pm, and we had to fetch her in NAIA after her shift. Of course, she worked overtime so it was still an hour later when we were able to go out and it was already 12am when we arrived in Pier One.

Personally, it was the most difficult two hours of my life. I think if it weren’t for the drink and Donna’s supportive attitude, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. Until now, I’m still shocked. The gravity of the situation really made me realize we’re really older now. Anyway, I was more than willing to drink because somehow I needed something to make the situation seem lighter than it really is. I went home that night still in shock, but I never told either of them. I wanted them to feel I’m okay with it. I think I only need time to absorb such news.

The next day’s schedule was a semi-reunion with Rochy. I’ve been missing them so much these past few days, perhaps partly because of the drastic change that’s been happening with the other people in my life, I wanted to make sure that our friendship remains the same. Mushy. Lol.

I met up first with Margo who was sporting a new phone by the way (naks) followed by Jeric. We ate in McDo, and I finally got to eat the Big Mac I had been craving for in days. By that time, we were still able to contact Jeff, who kept promising he would show up, but wasn’t specifying what time exactly. Maybe he forgot that we arranged to meet on a Monday because he suggested the day because he had no classes. Anyway, he didn’t show up at all, the bitch. Margo had to finally leave because he still had some work to do. Jeric and I waited for July and we went to Pier One again to have a drink. I suggested the place and the drink because it was the first I had a drink that I really, really liked: Gilbey’s Red Dalandan Freeze! :D

We haven’t seen July in two years. The last time we were together was in December 2006 when we had our “Rochy Day”. Anyway, we played 20 questions on July’s suggestion to catch up on things. After our drink, we had coffee in 7-11 and went home. Lol.

It was actually more fun than how I said it, but there were too much details to include like chapter two of Para Kay B, the 7-11 landmark Margo was talking about, the Mandaluyong station in MRT, me dying, hitting 4 birds in one stone, the three of us eating balut out of impulse, the manong who slipped in front of us and got us in hysteric fits of laughter for ten minutes, the Hyatt hotel “tour”, and the questions in 20 questions. I don’t think I could give it justice, so I wouldn’t elaborate on those.

It was nice seeing the guys, and apparently nothing has changed. Jeff still doesn’t show up when he promised to, Margo apparently will never grow up anymore (lol), Jeric still takes unflattering stolen pictures of everyone, and July still poses like a model (naks sanay).

I’m looking forward to seeing more of them again soon. 32 shots! :D

Year-ender blog post 2008

I’ve been posting year-ender blog entries since—I think—I started blogging, and I’ve been saying the same things over and over again, promising to keep certain people out of my life for good, only to welcome them back again thinking, what the hell? people change.

But you know what? People don’t change. So this goes on to saying I’m most probably not going to keep my promise again if I put it here. However, it doesn’t guarantee me either that my life would be different this coming year just because I didn’t put anything.

So instead of writing down new year’s resolutions that I’m sure I won’t be able to keep—and to prevent myself from disappointing me and anyone who gives a shit about me, I’m instead going to just look back on the past year and see what are the major changes that happened to me.

First off, I graduated this year, but I can’t say with flying colors. Even on the night before graduation, I still wasn’t sure if I was going to graduate. There were just many hold ups on my grades. But I did. So there. That summer I’ve been to a number of job interviews. I’ve been accepted to some, and rejected by some.

In May I accepted a teaching job near here. I really thought I would last, because it had been a fun summer training for me, the teachers seemed cool, the principal seemed humble and nice, and I thought there was little office politics in such a happy school. Boy was I wrong. I couldn’t even breath by the third month that I was teaching. I was so miserable, I was making my students cry almost every day (as opposed to making them cry just a few times a week—which is normal for me). The last thing I wanted to do was pull them down with me, so I decided to leave. It wasn’t the proudest moment of my life, but I did what I had to do. Plus I needed to review for the board exam anyway.

The following months I was shaken by the core by two people who were both important to me. Granted, I shouldn’t be surprised at all with Eric, but something happened that compromised my friendship with Jeric—which was much worse than what happened with Eric. One bad decision followed by another nearly made me break down, but I didn’t (or did I?).

In October, I got another job, this time not related to teaching. I was writing and re-writing articles for different websites. The job title was SEO, something which I think is gaining popularity these days? Or is it just me?

I’m still on that job, but I’m now working home-based. My first month and a half was spent reporting to the office in Makati. It was fun, but it was also very expensive, that’s why I’m more comfortable working at home now.

My friends went through some changes also. Some of them also got heartbroken, and some spent Christmas for the first time with a special someone. This year could not have been more life-changing—for me, for my friends, and I’m sure for everyone else.

This year has been my first year to live in the real world. To have to wait for my first paycheck, only to spend most of it for expenses in the house and barely have anything left for myself. I admit most of the time I don’t like acting responsibly too much, but then I realize when should I start? There isn’t a specific time to act responsibly. There’s no deadline to start growing up. You have to set it for yourself. No one is going to fail you because you acted immaturely or you didn’t do your homework. It’s not like during college when you know you have to act all mature because you’re a senior already, and if you can’t at least you have to pretend to act like one.

Growing up sucks, and I didn’t think I’d survive a year of it, but I did. So here’s to another year ahead into adulthood! :D

Why you should always take a picture of yourself

I’ve just realized there is a perfect excuse for camwhoring. Earlier tonight I dropped by at Holy Rosary Academy to return something to a former co-teacher. On the way back home, there was a tarpaulin that caught my attention. It was for a deceased man. There was a blurred picture of a 20-something-year-old man, but what surprised me was the text beside the picture. It said, “blah blah blah who died at the age of 39.” Thirtyfuckinnine? The man in the picture didn’t look older than 22 or 23 at the most, but the dedication beside it clearly states that he died at the age of 39.

It made me sad, all of a sudden. But not because I felt for the man, of course not. I felt sad because I suddenly thought of his family going crazy looking for a picture to be put on the tarpaulin but only finding the crappy and old 20-something version of himself. They must’ve sighed and handed the picture with eyes closed, breaths held, and hoped against hope no one notices the unfeasible connection between the picture and the age written on the tarpaulin.

My condolences, really.

I don’t drink anymore

You must be surprised. Well, take that surprise and disbelief then multiply it to about a million times. That exactly, is how I feel right now. When I realized that I don’t like alcohol anymore, I felt like I was in Twilight Zone or something. Or may Bitoy was punking me. Whatever, Yaya, it was weird.

It first happened last week in Xaymaca. I already thought it was weird enough that Ann could drink the rhum and coke and I couldn’t. Between the two of us, I’m the “heavy drinker”. But that night, after one sip of the drink, I was about ready to puke, so I just held the drink, pretending I was enjoying I had it. I don’t drink too often or too much, but I do drink hard liquor and beer.

Then it happened again, last night. Nang treated us in Pier One, for the obligatory first paycheck blowout. I was ready to drink, and she was rather ready to get me drunk enough to tell her a certain story. But it didn’t happen either. We ordered Blue Margarita, which Donna suggested. The glasses arrived with salt on the rim. I got more excited when I saw it. Finally our drink came. Frozen Blue Margarita. When Donna poured some on my glass and I tasted it, I thought I would die. I couldn’t fucking drink it. It tasted so awful and I was squirming with disgust that they actually thought I was only pulling their leg.

I said OMYGOD I hate it. Usually I wouldn’t, because I like cocktails. Frozen fruit-flavored alcoholic drinks. I particularly enjoyed the strawberry tequila I had a few years back. Complete with the lemon and salt-on-the-rim thing. But last night, I thought it tasted so bad, even after they added some water to it to somehow “neutralize” it. The worst part is that Ivy, the one among us who is another light drinker, thought the drink tasted “OK”. Dammit, she said it was OK, and I thought it was awful. I wasn’t able to drink anything last night. I just ate my misery away with some onion rings, sisig, and ginataang kuhol (which were delicious by the way).

Maybe I’ve evolved into something. Or maybe devolved. I don’t know. But all I know is, I don’t like the taste or smell of alcohol anymore. And it sucks because something like this happens when I’m finally old enough to drink and go out. Talk about tumatanda ng paurong.

Halloween

I spent the last day of the month bar hopping. Okay, not exactly bar hopping—because it requires multiple “hops” to consider it “hopping”. We just “hopped” once, from Mutiny in Macapagal, to Xaymaca in Timog. My original plan was just to drop by in Mutiny and go home before 11 o’clock—in time to watch Bubble Gang.

But I guess I wasn’t just in the mood to go home yet so I tagged along with Ann and Elisa. I dread being alone lately. Not alone in life, but alone literally. I don’t want to be alone and be able to think about things I am choosing not to think about.

Anyway, we left Mutiny at around 1 am. While waiting for a taxi, we saw a group of teenagers riding motorcycles pull over at McDonald’s. I noticed one of them looked oddly familiar. And then I remembered. It was Marky Gacer. Yep. THE Marky from Arellano. Details unimportant. So there we were, and there they were. He looked older than his age, which is 17-18. I was hoping he wouldn’t recognize me as a former student teacher from his school, but we kept looking at him to confirm if it was really him, so naturally he kept looking at us too. Dumb.

It was depressing riding a taxi at 1am. It really was. You get to see places in a different light. The streets were mostly deserted. The MRT stations were closed. There was no traffic in Edsa. The whole stretch of Makati was flooded with yellow lights. Everything looked different. And on top of everything, the songs playing on the radio of the taxi were also depressing as hell. I wanted so badly for that taxi ride to be over immediately. It was torture. Good thing when we arrived in Xaymaca, it was the opposite of depressing. Grawr!

It was my first time to go to Xaymaca, a hardcore reggae bar. The tagline of the bar is “where reggae music is at its best”. I loved it. Everyone was friendly, dancing, smoking, drinking, smiling at everybody else, clinking their beer bottles with random people, singing loudly in harmony, enjoying the music altogether. It wasn’t weird to strike up a conversation with someone you don’t know. You can pull someone in the corner to dance with him or her. It was crazy good. I don’t really go to bars. I just go to bars now to watch Clarassbliss (Ann’s brother’s band).

I was able to watch Coffeebreak Island, dammit. I’d been wanting to see them live ever since I first heard of them about 4 years ago. To cut it short, it was crazy, loud, and fun. I didn’t drink though. The rhum and cola didn’t taste like there was any cola in it.

I arrived home at 6 am. I went straight to bed and woke up at 1:30 pm. Overall, save from several EMO moments I had the night previously, it was still a happy Halloween.

Swayed

I have never thought that Bic Runga’s Sway could sound so slutty when sung. But then again, I have never passed by a red light district at 11 in the evening, until tonight. Apparently 11 pm is the peak hour of some of the clubs where I found myself loitering outside of. I can hear the woman’s amplified voice singing Sway in a slower tempo and somehow it made me want to throw up.

Not because she had a terrible voice. Well, not totally. It made me want to throw up because her slow singing made everything around me more blur and me more drunk. I wasn’t exactly sure why I chose that particular club to hang around at or I why I was even at that kind of place in the first place. The last thing I remember a few minutes earlier was storming out of my friend’s house where we were having the nth case of beer, and riding a jeep to i-don’t-know-where. The reason for my storming out, I couldn’t remember. Until I heard the song.

It was like being in an overly lame music video where everything moves in slow motion. And somebody in an even slower motion comes up to you. Somebody whom the song is about. It’s total mindfuck if you really thought about it, but I didn’t. Because I wasn’t imagining things. There I stood against the wall outside of the club, and right in front of me, there he stood. It’s total mindfuck, I heard myself repeat aloud. He giggled.

When he giggled, I realized that I wasn’t in a lame music video, and I wasn’t standing up against a wall of a night club, and we weren’t even in a red light district. I was standing against the wall of his house. I looked around and saw that the Christmas lights that he put up early hurt my eyes. When he giggled, everything came back to me in a split second. Why I stormed out of my friend’s house, and why I was drifted apparently by my delusion to his place.

(To be continued…)

Talong-related stupidity

I made an ass of myself yesterday afternoon. This is how it happened. I was told to cook Sinigang. When I checked, we were out of eggplant and okra, so I made a quick trip to the market to buy some. Before I forget, everyone should know that I know nothing about prices in the market, because I don’t. Anyway, I decided to buy from the first stall I saw okras. I asked how much, she said five pesos, so I bought. When I got to the eggplants, I asked, “magkano po isa?” The manang said, “dose”. I assumed it’s 12pesos per eggplant so I said, “isa nga”. One eggplant is enough for the Sinigang I was cooking. Okay, so I started panicking when the manang started stuffing eight… ten eggplants in the bag and weighing them. Haha, I was too embarrassed to tell her I only needed one, not one kilo. Amp! So there, I went home with too many eggplants. Bow. I never thought I could buy one kilo of any vegetable with only twelve pesos. I was laughing at myself when I got home. The manang must be wondering what the hell I was gonna do with all the eggplants. Such a dumbass.

INBOX

 

I don’t open my inbox.

It pains me to read his messages.

They serve as a constant reminder

Of how much I still felt for him;

Of how much I still am willing to endure;

Of how much I still am willing to wait.

I don’t open my inbox,

because right now, I’m exhausted,

can’t endure, and can’t wait anymore.

Because if I do

I would be opening a lot of

boxed up emotions,

suppressed longings.

Then I would be too weak

and send him a message…

then another one…

and another one,

until I have said

everything I’m not supposed to.

After which,

I would still be the same

because there is

no response, no reaction.

Only a zero balance.

So I don’t open my inbox,

and I write instead.

 

P.S. matagal na panahon na palang nasulat, nakita ko sa “saved messages” ng fone ko kagabi.

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